I suppose change and flexibility are the name of the game in parenting right? I fully expected that when my little girl was born that my wants and needs would be set aside for her. My life was not my own any longer and it would be devoted to keeping her happy and healthy guiding her to be the wonderful woman she will someday become.
These past few weeks have been full of unexpected changes. An early labor scare has me now on complete bed rest until delivery which isn’t supposed to be for another month! All of my plans have been put abruptly on hold. I cannot describe the depth of my frustrations and deliberations over the past couple weeks. I have teetered between acceptance and intense anger. I can’t go back to work at the beginning of the school year and planning for that continues to be a cause for near emotional breakdown. Then again, hormones seem to keep me on an emotional see-saw anyway. All of my personal goals have been put on hold; travel plans ditched; new stock for Etsy and my first juried craft show, not happenin; monetary planning, quashed. This is all in addition to my normal stress of life which I won’t go into. This may seem incredibly selfish and like I don’t understand the meaning of being a parent. On the contrary, I’m so upset BECAUSE I understand the meaning of being a parent. I know as soon as my little girl gets here everything else comes second. My parents were and are so good to me. I thought I had a couple more months to get these things accomplished. I planned and “budgeted” my time. And now everything is changed. I feel stuck and have no control over anything in my life.
These are the thoughts that hover in my mind. Then I flit between these and calm contentment. One day I’m just content, the next, I’m back to square one and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders wondering what I was thinking and marveling at the chain of life altering events I’ve set into motion. When you dream about kids you dream about all the wonder you hope to bring to their lives and all the happiness you wish them. Yet I wonder in my black moods when all seems to be bleak, how can I hope to show my child a life of happiness when I find it so hard to attain in my own.
Today I am moderately content. And so the bleak outlook is easy to combat, but it’s there. It’s hovering in the depths of my thoughts waiting for a moment of weakness to take hold again. For now, the quiet peace in my heart at the thought of my little girl, holds those sad thoughts submissive and at bay. Today I am moderately content.