I’ve never been a big Aerosmith fan, but a song that’s been stuck in my head a lot lately is Jaded. Only, in my head when j-j-ja-jaded runs through, jaded is substituted by “ch-ch-cha-changes”. I don’t know why, but every time I go to post here, that plays through my head. Maybe it’s because when I go to post, I think of the changes to my life since the last written account.
It’s funny, looking back now. I wrote the above statement on the 7th intending to comment on all the changes going on in my life. I think my motherly instincts must have been kicking in, because that night I went into labor. My beautiful little girl was born the following morning. My daughter, the most monumental change of all has graced herself into my life. She is beautiful, she is perfect, she is the one “right” in my life. She is the silver lining to all that is dreary. I smile because of and for her.
It’s a funny paradox but all my fears have been laid to rest and yet renewed at the same time. Parenting is terrifyingly wonderful. I’m consistently exhausted, which lends to another funny twist. Even though I’m exhausted and spend what feels like at least 50% of my waking… and sleeping hours… breast feeding, when we’re through instead of putting her to sleep, many times I just want to hold her. So my laundry, dishes, pottery, and sleep deprivation all pile up. Thank goodness for my husband and parents.
Conversely, I am trying to seek small routines in my day and push myself to get stuff done. I always thought that once you became a mom you were suddenly transformed into a superhero with superhuman energy, patience, and endurance. My mother seemed to have this, so in my head it was logical. I jokingly mentioned this to my mother and she kindly said, “no hunny, you just push yourself harder.” I buy that. Already I’ve pushed myself harder than ever before, beginning literally in delivery. I pushed with every fiber of my being, every ounce of strength, until I felt I couldn’t possibly push any more. And then I did it again. And again. And again. It’s exciting to push past where you thought was possible and see the “fruits of your labor.” (Origins of that phrase?) I feel womanly and strong and have a beautiful daughter to show for it. So already she has inspired me and bettered my life in ways I didn’t realize she would. I am lucky, I am blessed, I am a mom.